I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
