fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
