dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My balls are so social today.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
