You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Boobs are out for the taking
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
