my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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