dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
