my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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