Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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