go do what you do best...puke behind churches
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
