I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
