I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
