I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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