remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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