Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
