Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
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Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
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We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family