Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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