it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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