hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
