i need an iv and a liver transplant
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
