What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
