Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
