from now on my penis is your penis
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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