I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
