On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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