I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
