Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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