I want to have your abortion
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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