mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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