Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
