just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
