Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
