Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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