my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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