Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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