Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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