my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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