I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
