Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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