You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
