I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
