I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...