There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
