I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
