if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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