she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize