I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
