i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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