No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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