I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
