She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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