you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
