i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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