Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
