Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize