Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
