I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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