My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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