why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
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Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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