I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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