Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
