Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
