She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
