I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
